It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
