ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
