i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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