I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
FUCK WHALES
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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