oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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