i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
ugly people sure do ruin things
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
