I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You were trust falling into bushes
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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