You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
