hell yes lets make some ravioli
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
