I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
