you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
