We won't sleep together?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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