somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
