I skipped work to stalk him.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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