upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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