Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The air was thick with penises
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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