the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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