I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
