stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
