If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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