Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
