he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
