If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
