I just threw up on my dentist
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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