Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
