i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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