She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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