Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
