I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We have so much sex to catch up on
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
