walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
