life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
