Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Randomize
