I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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