i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
