i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Randomize