omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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