Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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