Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
