TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
