I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
