Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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