I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
