Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
