I love black thongs
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize