Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
