You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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