i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
