Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
