She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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