I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
