What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
