just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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