I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
