Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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