I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
