Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
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