i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
