Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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