It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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