Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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