you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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